FURTHERMORE GETS SERIOUS
Furthermore, my Masonic pet raven brother, gets really serious about only one or two things.
One you don't need to know about. You can have too much information, you know, and I'm sure there are things you dont want to discuss about your family, either. And thank you for not asking.
I'm sorry. I digress.
The other thing Furthermore gets serious about is not getting serious about everything. One of our favorite Rules To Harass Others By, actually, it's number six, is this: No Matter What You Do, There Is Someone Who Will Take It Too Seriously.
Pretty great, huh?!
I mean, that's deep philosophy for a couple of old birds, right?
Affirmations of this rule appear daily in your newspaper, which is what Furthermore was reading when I dropped down to see him after lodge meeting. (By the way, what he was doing reading your newspaper is an issue you'll have to take up with him. He's old enough to be responsible for his own actions, after all. Kids! You can't coddle em, you know?!)
"See!" he screeched triumphantly, "See! I found another one!"
I knew what he meant because I'd been reading the script earlier. You have no idea how hard we rehearse these little conversations for you. I know. Pretty incredible, isnt it?
Furthermore knew that I knew because of that rehearsal business I just mentioned.
We did a high five and feathers to celebrate and promptly fixed a brace of chilled martinis.
The cause of our joy was an article about the Morton Pumpkin Festival in Morton, Ill. It seems that a sure winner, an orange gourd of 308.5 pounds, was disqualified because it was stinking up the whole place. At stake was a $100 prize and the right to display the winning pumpkin in the front window of the Morton Bank AND a spot in the festival parade. Pretty impressive.
It seems that only healthy pumpkins qualify, however, and it was determined that the giant was stinking because it was unsound. In other words, it was rotten to the core, and, hence, was disqualified.
The owner of the disqualified gourd was furious, as we all would have been, of course. He claimed he didn't know the judges were using international judging rules.
International judging rules?! Yup. It seems the Morton Pumpkin Festival is judged according to the official rules laid down by the World Pumpkin Confederation and the Great Pumpkin Commonwealth. Those rules automatically disqualify a pumpkin covered by a fungus, with a stem longer than an inch or with cracks that extend to the core. Or, apparently, one that stinks to high heaven.
No mention in those rules about drug use or steroids or any of that sort of problem, thank goodness. This is still a clean sport.
It occurs to Brother Furthermore and me, however, that the folks who run the World Pumpkin Confederation and the folks at the Great Pumpkin Commonwealth need quickly to get lives. Until they do however, we are awarding them our Youre Taking This Thing Way Too Damned Seriously Award.
And on that note, we decided another celebration to honor the winners was called for. Martinis all around! And, yes, we are serious about how we make our martinis. We prefer them dry. We take the gin and put it in the trunk of the car. Then we drive through a neighborhood where they used to sell vermouth. That's serious. Well, until next time, and, remember: Thou shalt not take thyself too damned seriously. There's always some well-meaning brother who knows how to do it better than you do, anyway.