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The Adventures of Furthermore, the Masonic Raven
Written by Skip Boyer



FURTHERMORE GETS HIS RIGHTS READ a//k/a FURTHERMORE OBEYS THE LAW

The week of May 1 is traditionally Law Week in much of the United States.

Our sister, the lawyer, confirms this, but we’re uncertain whether she is for or against. With lawyers, it’s hard to tell sometimes. Even ones who are related to you.

Anyway, Furthermore, my Masonic pet raven brother, and I are suckers for tradition and the instant we learned of this event, we wanted to get involved. Any excuse for a celebration, of course. Actually, our first reaction was one of concern. Usually, special weeks—like Bible Week, for example—attract the attention of ACLU and suits get filed and…oh. Okay. Never mind. Now we understand. Lawyers are pretty crafty!

In Washington State, the emphasis is on education. They try to visit every classroom in the state. The official motto is “A Judge and Lawyer in Every Classroom.” No joke. Furthermore and I think that makes perfect sense. They go right along with the undercover policeman and the drug dealer in every classroom.

The purpose of Law Week, as we understand it, is to encourage respect for the laws, a truly Masonic virtue, and to remind us all that law enforcement is no joke. Before we proceed, we must make it abundantly clear that we have incredible respect for the men and women who don uniforms and enforce the law of the land. They are underpaid, under appreciated and they run the daily risk of not coming home when the shift is ended. We don’t make jokes at their expense.

However—and you knew there had to be an “however”—while we don’t make jokes about the people who enforce the laws, the law, itself, is a whole ‘nuther kettle of fish.

The law, one Shakespearian character noted, is an ass. Furthermore couldn’t agree more. He has been collecting examples of truly stupid laws, and he’s about to share them with you. Here are just a few captives in the Furthermore Collection of Truly Stupid American Laws.

In Alabama, it’s illegal to play dominoes on Sunday.

In Arkansas, the legislature passed a law making it illegal for the Arkansas River to rise higher than the Main Street Bridge in Little Rock. No mention of how they enforce it. Put the river in jail for contempt or just go with the flow?

In Los Angeles, you can go to jail for hunting moths under a streetlight. Like that’s the worst thing that happens at night on the streets of L.A.

And in Ventura County, cats and dogs are not allowed to have sex without a permit. I’ll bet there’s an entire department with clerks, directors and a database to take care of those permits.

In Connecticut, you can’t walk across a bridge on your hands. Go figure.

In Quitman, Georgia, it’s illegal for a chicken to cross the road, so that takes care of the old question of “why.”

In Kirkland, Illinois, law forbids bees to fly through town. Another tough one to enforce.

In Waterloo, Nebraska, it’s against the law for barbers to eat onions between 7 a.m. and 7 p.m. At last, a law that makes perfect sense.

It’s illegal to race horses on the New Jersey Turnpike. Dang.

Donkeys are not allowed to sleep in bathtubs in Brooklyn. No word on where they can sleep.

In Tennessee, it’s against the law to use a lasso to catch fish. Death to another potentially great sport. Of course, it’s also illegal to sell hollow logs in Tennessee, so the real issue down there probably has more to do with the legality of what the legislature is smoking, rather than crafting laws.

Here’s one of our all time favorites. It comes from Texas. When two trains meet each other at a railroad crossing, each must come to a full stop and neither shall proceed until the other has gone. You figure it out.

Probably pushed by the airline lobby.

In Utah, it’s illegal NOT to drink milk. Another lobby hard at work.

A great many silly and archaic laws deal with sex in one form or another. Because this column is written for the whole family, we don’t intend to go there.

Well, maybe just once.

In Newcastle, Wyoming, a law specifically bans couples from making love while standing inside a store’s walk-in meat locker. Now aren’t you just a little curious about what prompted that bit of law-making?

Well, that’s probably enough. Furthermore’s collection runs into the hundreds, so we may revisit this next Law Week.

In the meantime, have a great Law Week. And remember, it only comes once a year, so you’ve got the other 51 weeks to do pretty much whatever you want.




BACK TO THE HOME PAGE?

To all Lodge Trestle Board editors: Feel free to use any of the tales of Furthermore. Should you choose to do so, however, we deny any responsibility for actions by your own lodge. If, after the first couple of columns, the brethren appear restless and begin to surge toward you as you enter the lodge room, we suggest you flee and deny any connection with Furthermore.






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