FURTHERMORE HAS GOT YOUR NUMBER
WE’VE GOT YOUR NUMBERS…
Okay. So you were holding $20 in tickets for the last national Powerball drawing. You have our sympathy. So were we. Instead of deserving individuals—such as ourselves, for pointed example—the winner was a millionaire contractor in West Virginia. We did not know such a creature existed, but there he was. So the rich get richer. Go figure.
That did not stop WBro. Furthermore, my materialistic pet raven brother, and yours truly from giving serious thought to how we would have spent $318 million. Confess! You did the same thing, didn’t you?!
Okay, so let’s eliminate the obvious. We pay off the bills, buy a fast car, make healthy contributions to our church, our alma mater, our lodge and our IRS. Then we take care of the family, making certain that the kids will have to WORK to get their dough. No hanging the beach just because you’re filthy rich, you know? Now we can begin to have fun and even get creative.
First thing we thought we’d do is buy a holiday. We’re thinking St. Patrick’s Day would be a good choice. Everyone wants to be Irish on St. Patty’s! There are certain marketing tie-ins that intrigue us. Besides, Christmas seems to have already been purchased.
Then we thought we’d buy a local school district. At first we were just thinking of buying a school or two, then we decided, what the hell! Why not buy an entire district? First thing we’d do is fire the school board and the administrators. We’re not too sure what we’d do next but we figure it can’t be any worse than what’s going on now, you know? Our whole plan revolves around letting the teachers teach. Pretty drastic, huh?
Naturally, we’d buy a couple of senators, both state and federal. We think we can probably get a deal if we buy in volume. Seems to have worked for several large corporations and with $318 million, The Chronicles of Furthermore, Inc., is a large corporation!
We also thought about buying our own Grand Lodge. Then we decided we didn’t need the grief.
We’re also thinking of buying our own lottery. If they can pay out $318 million, somebody is making a ton of money somewhere. We’d rather own the lottery than win it.
Television. Here the opportunities just keep on happening. First thing we do is take those 30-second Victoria’s Secret commercials and turn them into an hour-long weekly series with reunion specials every couple of months. Then we figured we buy a network. If we buy ESPN, we fire John Madden and Dick Vitale. After that, it’s all up hill. Or we could buy one of the major networks. Again, we’re not real sure what we’d do, but whatever it is, it’s got to be an improvement. Let’s see ‘em survive our version of reality television! Oh. And Ozzie and his dysfunctional brood can go back to their cave. Or—better yet—we turn the Law and Order team loose on the Ozzie brood. We figure the wants and warrants will keep them busy for years to come.
We also plan to buy a railroad. We’re adults now. It’s time to stop playing with toy trains. We’re going after the real thing. Everyone, even the filthy rich, should have a hobby.
Other than the sorts of swell ideas we’ve just outlined, we don’t really plan to let vast sums of cold, hard cash have any impact at all on our simple, country, plain, easy-going, value-oriented life styles. And if you have any great ideas, yourself, feel free to share them with us. Just send them to our chief of security, who will forward to our third vice-president for content. If it passes screening, it will be bucked up through two more ranks of vice presidents and placed in a large rotating wire drum. Furthermore draws one out each week. Feeling lucky? Or you could just buy your own lottery ticket. The odds are about equal. By the way, money or not, we still figure we’re rich, Brothers, with every moral and social virtue cementing us.