THE CHRONICLES ARE AGING LIKE FINE MILK
In far fewer days than I like to think, I will turn 60 years of age. This seems to be some sort of milestone, though not as traumatic as turning 30 or as exciting as turning 21. Still, it does seem to merit some sort of commemoration. Or at least a moment of respectful silence.
Brother Furthermore, my maturity challenged pet raven, is smiling in undisguised glee. In his surreal world, 60 is hardly a drop in the old bucket. Heís still angry the Romans (and the Scottish Rite!) chose an eagle as the symbol for their legions instead of using him. And he still talks about living in Alaska where native tribes think heís some sort of god. That is, clearly, another story for another day.
Anyway, it will hardly do to talk to Brother Furthermore about the aging process. And Iíve noticed that when I talk to most of you about, I donít get a hell of a lot of sympathy, either. So Iím going to ignore the whole bunch of you, including the bird, and turn to the classics. You might enjoy these. If youíre lucky, youíre going to be 60, too, someday. If youíre lucky. Anyway, here are some experts on the fine art of getting old:
"You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you're down there." -- George Burns.
"He is alive, but only in the sense that he can't be legally buried." -- Geoffrey Madan
"A man's only as old as the woman he feels." --Groucho Marx.
"People ask me what I'd most appreciate getting for my eighty-seventh birthday. I tell them, a paternity suit." -- George Burns.
"I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap." -- Bob Hope
"When I was a boy, the Dead Sea was only sick." -- George Burns
"I don't plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet." -- Rita Rudner.
"Retirement at sixty-five is ridiculous. When I was sixty-five I still had pimples." -- George Burns
"Another good thing about being poor is that when you are 70, your children will not have declared you legally insane in order to gain control of your estate." -- Woody Allen
"I'm very pleased to be here. Let's face it. At my age I'm very pleased to be anywhere." --George Burns.
"Except for an occasional heart attack I feel as young as I ever did." -- Robert Benchley
"Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the National Debt." -- Herbert Hoover
"At my age I do what Mark Twain did. I get my daily paper, look at the obituaries page and if I'm not there I carry on as usual." --Patrick Moore.
"I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch." --Woody Allen.
"My grandmother was a very tough woman. She buried three husbands and two of them were just napping." -- Rita Rudner
And among our all time favorites is this advice from Sophie Tucker:
"The secret of longevity is to keep breathing."
Remember: This business of getting old is not for the young and weak! See you on the other side of 60. Weíll be glad you did!