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The Adventures of Furthermore, the Masonic Raven
Written by Skip Boyer



FURTHERMORE AND THE TROUBLEMAKER IN OUR MIDST

Brother Furthermore Raven was all a-flutter (it’s a bird thing) when I arrived in the deep cavern below the house last night.

“Look! Look at this!” he screeched, banking off the flying buttresses and dropping at mach 2 to the top of the right pillar. “Look! We have a troublemaker in our midst, Brother Skip!”

Sure enough, right there on the old oaken cadaver table we use as a trestleboard/wet bar, there was a sheet of yellowed paper, affixed to the wood with the tyler’s sword. It was sort of hard to miss, you know?

Furthermore adjusted his trifocals and stalked across the page, stabbing each word with a claw as he read.

“You lazy fools! Why do you fight the inevitable? Your obligations are worthless and of no account! I will summon Devil and make lasting charges against you!”

Of course, it was unsigned. There was something vaguely and troublingly familiar about it, however, something that would haunt me until far past my bed time. For the moment, however, Furthermore had thoughtfully concocted a brace of chilled martinis to fortify us as we contemplated this intrusion into the heart of all we hold dear.

I will attempt to make a long story short. I know you find this hard to believe, but the effort is good for my soul. During the next four days, we received similar messages each day. All threats. Three were on that yellow paper again. The fourth showed up on my cavern computer. This was especially troubling for two reasons: (1) I don’t tell people the address for that computer and (2) I didn’t know it still worked. High tech the bird and I are not, you know? Yeh. You probably do.

By now, these threats were disrupting the harmony of our lives.

“It’s you they are after, you know?” accused Furthermore Raven. “It has to be! They don’t know about me!” He paused a moment and gave me an accusing look. “They don’t know about me---do they?” To which I had to admit that I had mentioned him casually to a few friends. That didn’t do a thing for our harmony.

Then he had an inspiration. “We could get Nelson or Harley to track the computer message! They do it all the time! We’ll get the evil cowan troublemaker for sure!”

I didn’t think so. “Yeh, but everyone they track ends up at some obscure college dorm room in the United Kingdom. That would explain the computer message but not the ones sticking to the table, you know?”

Well, I had him there. We fixed more martinis to aid in our contemplation.

It was the next morning—a Saturday, if memory serves—that we finally found the Light. Furthermore was sleeping in and I was at breakfast with my wife, who doesn’t figure in these chronicles often but is always just off screen.

“Are you finally going to fix the bathroom sink today,” she inquired pointedly. “You promised, you know?” Now, I’ve learned never to disagree with someone holding a pot of hot coffee in the general vicinity of my lap. So I decidedly to tap dance.

“Gosh, honey. I didn’t forget, but the hardware store is out of the G32-x78 double-edged hex washers I need. They won’t have them for a week or so. I’ll take care of it then.”

My wife and I have been married for more than 30 years, which means she has a finely tuned BS meter and right then it was pegging off the scale.

“Not so fast! I’ve been leaving you messages all week to remind you to take care of that stuff. You promised! Now, I want it done today or I’ll call Devil Plumbing and you know how much they charge!”

Later, Brother Furthermore—who has no mercy—pointed out the obvious. “We should have known, Brother Twit! The yellow paper!”

Well, duh! Of course. It’s my wife’s letterhead. Even has her name on the top. I just knew it looked familiar, you know?

The only salvaging grace in this shameful situation is this: Now we know the name of the troublemaker in our midst. I rejoiced in this knowledge as I struggled with the sink.




BACK TO THE HOME PAGE?

To all Lodge Trestle Board editors: Feel free to use any of the tales of Furthermore. Should you choose to do so, however, we deny any responsibility for actions by your own lodge. If, after the first couple of columns, the brethren appear restless and begin to surge toward you as you enter the lodge room, we suggest you flee and deny any connection with Furthermore.






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