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THE CHRONICLES GET HOT
Today's expected temperature in Phoenix is in the 111-degree range. That's hot, even for Phoenix. The fabled Valley of the Sun is now officially the Surface of the Sun, a condition that will probably endure until mid-October or so.
Furthermore, my temperally challenged pet raven, says the intense heat is a message. It's God's way of telling us not to live in the desert. Judging from the growth rate of Arizona cities in the desert, no one is listening to that message, either.
By now, you know where this is going. If you are old enough to remember the good ole days when Johnny Carson ran The Tonight Show, you've already spotted the setup.
It's so hot in Phoenix that...
* Small children melt. (This, according to Furthermore, is proof
that high temps aren't all bad.)
* You can say 115 degrees without fainting or laughing. And when
you talk to the folks in your old home town in upper Michigan, you
actually lie. You add five degrees, just for the effect.
* You remember the time it hit 122 degrees with pride. Even if you
didn't live here at the time.
* You carry an oven mitt in your car.
* You can drive with an oven mitt on your hand and you don't think
it's unusual.
* You know you can drive any car with only two fingers if you
don't have an oven mitt.
* When the temperature drops to 90, you start looking for a
sweater.
* The local nuclear power plant could meltdown and nobody would
notice for three months.
* Someone says, "But it's a dry heat!" Your response is, "Yeh and
so's a microwave oven."
* Six inches of rain in Phoenix means the distance between drops.
* You want it to rain, not for yourself but for your six-year-old
who has never seen it.
* Cows give evaporated milk.
* Trees are whistling for the dogs.
* You no longer associate rivers with water. In fact, you know
about the New River. It's so new they haven't put the water in yet.
* In Yuma, water comes out of the ground hot enough to make
instant coffee.
* You get hot water out of both sink taps.
* Farmers feed crushed ice to chickens to keep them from laying
hard-boiled eggs.
* You know everything there is to know about leather, vinyl and
other substances used to make car seats.
* You don't know everything there is to know about car seats and
you have the second degree burns to prove it.
* Cold beer is a basic food group.
Okay. You get the idea. Make up some of your own. Send them to me. I'll
ask Furthermore to judge the best and we'll publish them for all the world
to see and admire. We might even give you credit for them. Naaaah!
And, hey! Stay cool out there!
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