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The Adventures of Furthermore, the Masonic Raven
Written by Skip Boyer



FURTHERMORE CALLS THE GAME

The college football season started last weekend and Furthermore, my Masonic pet raven brother, and I are, as usual, enthralled. We don’t care much for professional football, although we would support it if we ever got it in Phoenix. But we do like college ball. We root for Nebraska, the only pro team in our home state. And, since we live now in Arizona, we occasionally root for Arizona State. They are hoping for an 8-3 season this year. Eight arrests and three convictions.

We’ve decided that the reason we love football so much is because it combines the two most popular things in America: Committee meetings, separated by short periods of intense violence. Not unlike some lodges we know.

But we digress. That’s not what we wanted to talk to you about. Our biggest concern with football, college or pro, is the possibility of serious injury. I know. You’re right. We don’t really care about the players. We are more concerned about the injuries to the English language. It’s almost too hideous to watch and it certainly isn’t for the weak and the young.

For example, during Sunday’s Georgia Tech/Syracuse game, the commentator knowingly pointed out that the problem with Syracuse (other than their nickname, the Orangemen) was with their “defensors.” That’s right. Their defensors. Not the defensive line or the defensive players, but the defensors. Furthermore and I figure that, by process of elimination, the defensors have to be the opposite of the offensors, not to be confused with coachesors or the arresting officors, you know?

With that as our grammatical kickoff for the new football season, we knew we were in for a rough ride. We weren’t wrong. By the end of the last game on Sunday—Colorado and Fresno State, for crying out loud--we were having a hard time keeping up with the injury list. After a while, we just kept tabs on the important ones, the hits to the heart, and let the little prepositions and such go for another time.

Did you know, for example, that the Fresno State quarterback is renowned for his physicality? Well, he is. We just hope it isn’t contagious. Physicality is, apparently, an outgrowth of athleticism, which is what the players on a really keen defensive line have if they are still on their feet by the end of the third quarter or so. Athleticism.

Oh, one commentator tried desperately to combine physicality and perspicacity and may have hurt himself seriously. We think he’s out for the season. One can only hope, of course.

Another player—we have mercifully forgotten which game—was touted to have scoreability or boardability, these both, apparently, being references to the young tyke’s ability to score points or put points on the board. Both are desirable traits, of course, and we would not argue the point or points. He was a mean-looking sucker. We didn’t hear that on TV but we were sure some commentators were thinking it. This kid is so tough that after he knocks off the opposing quarterback, he goes after his family in the stands. That would be killability, we think. We do like to stay ahead of these trends in language.

By the way, Furthermore and I are big Big 12 fans. We’re looking forward to the season. Here’s a little Big 12 humor.

Do you know why the Baylor football team is like a possum?
Because they play dead at home, and get killed on the road.

What are the longest three years of a Nebraska football player's life?
His freshman year.

How many Colorado freshmen does it take to change a light bulb? None . . .
That's a sophomore course at Colorado.

Where was O.J. headed in the white Bronco? Lawrence, Kansas. . .
He knew no one would ever look there for a Heisman Trophy winner.

Well, enough. We just hate seeing the language—much less our sense of humor-- murdered by vacuous baritones whose sole claim to fame is that the understand just what the hell a nickel back is or why they call that guy a tight end.

Enjoy the game!




BACK TO THE HOME PAGE?

To all Lodge Trestle Board editors: Feel free to use any of the tales of Furthermore. Should you choose to do so, however, we deny any responsibility for actions by your own lodge. If, after the first couple of columns, the brethren appear restless and begin to surge toward you as you enter the lodge room, we suggest you flee and deny any connection with Furthermore.






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